There has  been a lot on my mind lately..so much that its been affecting my driving and my paying attention to things. People tell me that I over think most things, and well, they are completely right.
We’re  coming up on the year marking of my Dad, I haven’t let go yet and the February 28 is really scaring me, its like i cant accept it and that i don’t want too. I feel like I just kept the thought in the back of my head and just somewhat pretended that he was on a trip and that he was coming back. Right now I can say a year ago today I saw my Dad,  I talked to my Dad. It scares me that I wont be able to say that anymore. I have a lot of fear built up inside of me about all of this and I’m not sure why. I’ve put up a wall to block the past 18 years of my life and what has happened, that wall needs to come down.

Another thing that is on my mind are my friends, I don’t think I could  have anyone better in my life than Emily, Kat, Devan and Sarah. I know they don’t understand a lot of the things that I talk to them about (Emily) but I’m glad they are there to atleast try, and be mean to me when its needed and be comforting to me when its needed.  I’m not sure i would be where I am today without them..I’d probably be on Teen Mom or something..I dont know. But i do know that I am so thankful for them and for them being able to get me and know what I’m thinking and being there through thick and thin. AND also being there Gatlinburg 2010. :]

i feel like all of my blogs recently have all been about my Dad, but thats the only event in my life that has really stuck out. so again, this blog is about my father.

I’m pretty much use to kids running up to their Dad’s now and being excited to see them, it doesnt make me sad anymore. But today was different. I was put in another classroom so it would be in ratio for the state, as soon as i got in there a little girl ran up to me and she reminded me so much of what i was like when i was little, she clung to me everywhere. when we were cleaning she wanted me to help her, when we went outside she wanted me to hold her hand and play with her. We weren’t outside long before her Dad came to pick her up. She ran up to him yelling “DADDY!” and then she looked at me and said, “this is my daddy.” It seemed so much like something i would have done, showing off my daddy. I feel like i still do show him off too. When people come over and see the pictures i have of him in my room I say “thats my daddy.” I dont know why it got to me so hard today, i guess its just the month that it is with his birthday just passing and it only being about 6 months since his death. I find that i miss him more and more everyday and that the littlest thing  can make me upset or want to lay in bed all day.

Recently I’ve been taking all of the back roads that he taught me through the years because they remind me so much of him. How much do I wish that I could sit on the front porch swing with him in the afternoon, or eat at cracker barrel with him again even though I hated going every weekend. I enjoyed every minute I had with him.
I miss the way his beard prickled my head when ever he would kiss me goodbye. Its selfish but i wish that I could have atleast one last prickley beard kiss on my head or one more dinner.

I know that I am not fatherless, its just a really hard concept to grasp when your earthly father is gone.
I guess its just another one of those lessons my Father wants to teach me.

“and now i know why all the trees change in the fall
I know you were on my side even when i was wrong, and I love you for giving me your eyes, standing back and watching me shine and I didnt know if you knew so I’m taking this chance to say that I had the best days with you.”

i feel like this blog bounces around a lot but it doesnt really bother me, sorry if it does you. :]

Knoxville.

So currently, like right now I am sitting in a tiny car with Scott, chase, kylie and emily. We are headed to Knoxville for a one day/night getaway and we solemly swear we are up to no good. What we are doing in Knoxville is going to the babely mansion. Which is apparently a haunted house. Am I scared? Bet your bottom dollar I am! But you know I prayed about it and I’m not that scared, I’m sure I will be when we get there but right now I am at peace with it. On our way here we all prayed and I have nothing to worry about. I’m covered in the blood! There is no need to fear anything. The fear of a word brings more fear Of the object itself. I’m good to go! God is good. Mischeif managed.

Away.

I just realized that I no longer have anywhere to hide. His house was the house that I hid at. Over there we never talked about school, he never asked me a million questions, and he was always there, if he wasn’t he would come home because I was there. I find myself in bad moods more often because I can’t hide from anybody. The one place I felt peace was there and then he was taken away from me. I guess in his death I can see that now I should hide in my God, which I should have done all along but there is nowhere that I feel peace anymore. I have too much hostility that I have yet to let go. I guess I’m feeling this even more now because Fathers day is Sunday. I no longer have an earthly father. I have no need for that holiday. That day to me will be just as bad as the day that he died. Maybe even worse. I find it harder and harder to find he comfort in death knowing that it is a celebration, a wedding with Christ. Everyday it gets harder and it feels like I haven’t seen him in years. So many things have been ripped away from me with the death of him. I am no longer in my comfort zone. I haven’t been all year. I have no comfort without him. I can’t go somewhere and not remember something about him. I recently saw he Disney pixar movie UP and the whole movie I was reminded of him. The boy russel said, “I think it’s the boring things that I remember most.” about his dad. And that’s how it truly is. All the boring things we did together I miss more than anything. I just want to be back in my comfort zone. And to have my hiding place back. Or have he comfort in hiding in my Heavenly Father.

Invisibility cloak.

So I’m reading Harry Potter and the half-blood prince right now. And I’ve encountered wizards.

Today I got on the elevator at out condo and there was a cart I there and the ground button had already been hit. Thanks harry! You and your invisibility cloak. So clever.

(Im kidding about there actually being a wizard. But the rest really did happen on the elevator. )

Steak.

Tonight for dinner I got a steak, I never eat steak but I thought I would try it out. Then in the middle of eating I remebered that you use to grill steaks all on the time on the back porch and then cut mine up into little pieces so I wouldn’t have to. After I remembered that I didn’t want to eat it anymore. Which kind if sucks cause it tasted good. Oh well.

Randoms.

These are just random things and reasons for them I guess.

Sometimes watching CNN makes me feel good because everytime I would walk into my dads house it would be on. I also like to watch spongebob because we would watch it together.

I like to wake up early at the beach, go outside and be alone with the ocean because I feel really close to God and I like the way it makes me feel so small but so loved.

I run and jump into my bed when I turn out the lights at night because I’m afraid of the dark and I sleep with a Moishe stuffed monster from “where the wild things are” because it’s one of the last things my dad bought me and he’s cute.

Sometimes I would skip my math class to go to the cemetery and pray and visit dad. Don’t worry mom I passed

I want a baby from Africa so he/she can wear awesome shoes and outfits along with all the other kids I have. I want I have a hip and big family so no one is ever bored.

I like to stay up all night, but only sometimes because if I do it a lot I’ll get sick because I have a poor immune system. (thanks family genes)

I like look at pictures from when I was little, watch disney movies, eat corndogs, mac and cheese and drink Capri suns or juice boxes because I miss the sweetness of being a child.

Those are some things I like I guess I’m just bored and wanted to blog.

Morning

Well it is 3:25 here in destin Florida. I am currently sitting by the pool with my mother. This morning was nice I finally got enough sleep to feel rested and not wakingup by the sound of an alarm clock.

This morning i read Genesis chapter 8 before breakfast, continuing the story of Noah. In that chapter God promises to never flood the earth again. Specifically in Genesis 8:21. I thoroughly enjoyed reading that this morning.

I also enjoyed waking up and standing in the ocean something so magnificent and filled with an abundant amount of fish and even things humans may not know about that He made. I like it here. But I miss home too.

Night one.

Right now as I am typing this I am laying on my bed at our condo. Why am I not outside? I am not sure actually .

I thought a lot on the way down here about so many things. I think long drives are nice and relaxing until your legs start hurting. But here are something I thought about:

When we first started our journey I was thinking that I hadn’t been to the cemetary to see my dad in a while and wished that I could have gone. I think about him a lot and even talk about him, just the other day was 3 months since his death. But to die is to gain. His body may be dead but his spirit is living in an amazingly vivid holy world. I have no problem knowing that he is gone. I know where he is.

Second I thought about how much trust I have in God.he deserves more than I give him. If I can give myself to him fully why can’t I trust him fully? I trust him with so many things and then again I don’t trust him with a lot. So I am going to give all of my trust to him. Where of should have been in the first place. He wouldn’t hurt me anyways. So simple of an answer and so simple to fix but so hard to follow through with. All my trust is in you Lord. Sorry it has taken me so long.

That’s just some of my thoughts for today. I am going to try and blog everyday hopefully. Either about what I was thinking or the book of Genesis, which is what I am reading at he moment.

the grass is always greener.

I see the other side, and it attracts me.
Their grass is always greener, they always seem happier.
I know what it looks like, what it feels like.
And yes, parts of me misses it.
Then it was like I was never hurt, everything was wonderful all the time.
I want that.

But.

NO.
I do not want that seperation.
I don’t want my king to be so distant from me that my life and the wonderful things in it are sin and corruptions. Hallucinations of hell.
Give me bad days, give me terrible nights.
For I know that one of these days or nights will turn into beauty, they will turn into your face in front of mine.
Then, my grass will truly be greener.
Nothing attracts me more than meeting you.

I am nothing without you.
Give me bad days, because a thousand bad days would not mean a thing when that one day comes that I meet you.